Written by: Izzy Barakat, U.S. Air Force Veteran
It is incredibly easy to live inside of our minds; To be so absent and separated from the present moment because we’re caught in a loop or feeling “stuck.” Some may call that being “checked out.” To me it feels like leaving my body and traveling back in time, to periods where I review and analyze things in hopes of downloading new information, or answers to questions I’ve already asked myself several times before (better known as insanity). The reality is that regardless of what you think you may know, or remember, you can’t change any of it. That means accepting a number of particularly difficult things, but for now, I’ll speak of one.
Before venturing up to War Horse Creek, I was coming off of a pretty crazy timeline of events. I had just found stable housing after being homeless for almost a year. I started going to school again after having quit my job as a wild land firefighter for 4 years, because my post-traumatic stress started to kick in for the first time. I was finally able to get service connected after (at the time) not really wanting help from the VA for more than 7 years. Like I said, it’s easy to get stuck in a loop, particularly the “a vet more fucked up than me needs it more, I’m good” loop.
Going back to school led to a few serendipitous events. It being my first semester back to school in a while and being part of the veteran cohort at Pasadena City College meant our group would be going on class camping trip to Idyllwild (we were told). The purpose of this trip was to help us to bond, regardless of what stage of transitioning we were at. We were told that we would be going to volunteer at Living Free Animal Sanctuary and after giving a hand we’d spend some time with the horses. I happily loaded up in the van. After helping at the Animal Sanctuary for a better part of the morning and eating lunch, we headed down to the stables to meet the horses that were part of War Horse Creek.
A little side note about Idyllwild; it is a very special place. Clear air, beautiful mountain ranges, and a quiet so serene, you really don’t know what to do with yourself because you’re used to all the city chatter. Now add horses to that.
I was really excited to be amongst horses again. Growing up around horses gave me a healthy respect and admiration for them. Being around them as an adult, however, was a surreal experience I did not expect to have that day. It profoundly changed my life, for the better.
We were fairly spread out. A few horses were in different areas, different groups of us were hanging out with them. I walked to where the hitching posts were (the area where the horses are held to be groomed and loved on) and I saw this big, beautiful horse being groomed by Sheila, a local volunteer. She asked me, “Would you like to brush her?” I gladly accepted and got closer to the horse as Sheila handed me the brush. “Her name is Libby, short for Liberation.”
For the first time in years, I felt a peaceful sense of just coexisting. It was the weirdest feeling. It felt like I had met up with an old friend. I ended up hanging out with Libby, brushing her, giving her so much love and feeling it back for a good hour. The rest of my cohort ended up slowly walking away back to the vehicles because they didn’t want to interrupt the moment that was being experienced.
After I finished spending time with Libby, Randall Harris (President of Living Free and War Horse Creek) approached me and asked me if I knew Libby was a wild mustang. I said no, I didn’t. Crazy thing is, I wasn’t surprised. He asked if I minded sharing my experience with him and I agreed. Experiencing that level of reflection and depth of connection after being numb for so many years, blew my fucking mind. I didn’t have to say anything while I was with her, and I felt safe, not angry. It was disarming in such a deep and healing way.
After my experience at War Horse Creek, I knew that I would like for this to continue to be a part of my life in some way. It’s been 3 years since my first encounter with Libby, and I see it as an absolutely blessing and privilege to keep coming up to War Horse Creek and visit with the mustangs they’ve rescued. I’m extremely grateful that a program like this is available to veterans, especially so close to Los Angeles.
Full Disclosure: The veterans that have come up to visit and attend the workshop at War Horse Creek did not leave the same. I know I didn’t.
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